Tuesday, December 31, 2013

"F*cktards:" My Favorite Movie Trailers of 2013

                                                                                                                                                   via FreeDigitalPhotos
Oh, uh, not what I meant, guys...

So, my sexy, slightly hair readers, it is time I confess that I have a bit of a problem, possibly a sickness: I watch too many movies.  Like, too many too many.  Yeah, that many.  It's a problem.  For some unexplained reason or another, my brain was built to desire and store as many films and references from said films as possible.  Most people strive to learn important skills or knowledge, like financial mathematics or how to con old ladies out prices rubies.  Me? I can quote 40 Year-Old Virgin from beginning to end.  I can even tell you the old Indian guy's real name.  It's sad, I know.

All that said, I actually didn't see a ton of movies this year.  Between my hernias, moving across the country, and a disturbing Faberge egg addiction, I haven't found myself staring at a giant screen while wondering if the stickiness on the floor was a homeless person's semen or a non-homeless person's semen very much.  Makes me sad, honestly.  I did, however, find some time to watch a shit ton of trailers.  Edited with quick action shots and carefully chosen music to pull you in, movie trailers are essentially commercials for their full version counterparts.  Which... well, which would explain why they are in commercials on television.  Nailed it (I'm such a good writer).  So, as the year winds down, and we say goodbye to 2013, I figured I'd share my favorites, in no particular order.  No, I don't want to rank them.  Don't tell me how to blog.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Hump Day HaHa: Suck My (Christmas) Gif(t) (More Parentheses)

                                                                                                              Via Brain Dead Radio
Die Hard, bitches.  It's the adult Home Alone.  Go watch that shiz.

Happy holidays, you sexy, possibly mid-day drunk readers!  I know, I know, this entry starts with a whole bunch of Christmas, including Die Hard (seriously, go watch it now), but I gotta acknowledge the multitude of celebrations and happiness going on everywhere and anywhere this time of year.  That and someone told me recently that not everyone believes in the fat, bearded guy in the red suit who flies all over the world delivering gifts while rocking a sweet keytar.  I had no clue! Did you?  Wait, why didn't you tell me?  Well, fuck you too then.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Deep Thoughts While Dying of Too Much Korean BBQ

Inspiration is such a weird thing.  It can be everywhere and nowhere all at once.  It's this thing that hits us all in our strange, random moments, and can bring some individuals to sick levels of greatness.  And sometimes, that inspiration comes in extreme ways.  

History is filled with artists, writers, and musicians with "habits" that inspired their work.  Salvador Dali had his hashish, Ben Franklin had his opium, and Orson Welles had frozen peas, I think.  These were the keys that, for these wondrous and unique individuals, opened the gates of inspiration; they allowed them to open their minds, dropping the inhibitions that shorten the gaze of inspirations, and probably gave them an excuse to wave glow sticks and bunny hop at sweet rave parties.  And now I, Andres Domenech, powerful and influential amateur internet blogger (Now with over five readers, probably!), believe that I have found the key to my wordsmithing and amazing creativity: overeating at an all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ restaurant.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Hump Day HaHa: The One Where is Andres is Super Stressed LOLWTF

Guy is fucking blown away by that pen, I'm guessing

Hey folks, how we doing?  Well that's good to hear.  I was wondering when that rash would start clearing up.  Good for you.  Anyway, here it is, another lovely Wednesday, another middle of the week where everyone is stressed and wondering what the fuck is going to happen next.  Fun, right?

This week is particularly stressful for yours truly, having to deal with some major exams and prep for the next couple of weeks.  Also, my blog has ads now.  You know you want to buy that Chromecast thing or a sexy new credit card thingy.  So fun!!! :-( Anyway, I'm taking a moment out of busy schedule to try and bring a smile to your sexy, asymmetric faces because that makes me smile.  So, if someone shit in your Cheerios this morning, I hope they ate a lot of fiber first, and I'm help to try and brighten your day.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Weird Ass Distractions: Candybox2

Happy End of the Year, you beautiful, beautiful readers!  All five of you, thanks for stopping in and make weird faces reading my bull here.  Seriously, it means a lot to me to have someone reading all of this, especially during the final days of 2013, with final exams, deadlines, and that last bit of Meth to cook (I miss you, Heisenberg), everyone has got shit to do.  This time of year is always quite stressful, rough, and drives some people to point of insanity.  And I'm definitely no different; between school and all of my naked polka dancing lessons, I definitely have things I should be doing.   Should.  Keyword there.  The problem is, I don't want.  Or rather: I don't wannnnnaaaaaaa.  You can't make me.  It's always moments like this when I like to lace up my boots, stand tall, and find anything else in the world to distract me from my responsibilities.  Because America.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Hump Day Haha: 3 for 1 Black Friday (On a Wednesday) Blowout


For this week's giggle, while you're busy working (or twerking) hard at your place of work and/or druge deal, I figured I'd give you not one, not two, not four, but three, THREE funny videos for the price of not-a-damn thing.  I know, I'm a hero to you and your unborn, sickly-looking future children.  Make him play a sport or at least feed him.  He looks awful.  Man, you're a bad parent.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

The Taming of the Beard: A Letter to Beardnard

Whelp, November is over, which means the whole "No Shave" movement is, as well.  For those of you unaware of this strange ritual, No Shave November (also known as Noshember or Movember, which sounds like shit I would make up) essentially involves being super lazy, and just not shaving.  It's supposed to raise awareness of men's health issues, such as prostate cancer, and that's great.  There's all kinds of rules that you can follow, found here if you want to read them (my laziness told me not to, though).  I participated this year, though, I have to admit, it kinda felt like all those times I saw people "liking" some kind of cause on Facebook; it really didn't seem to do a damn, so eventually it just became an experiment in "How Mangled Can I Make my Face Look?"  Needless to say, after 31 straight days, it was a success:


Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Adventures with Andres: The Soda of Shaq (Part 1?)

Let the good times roll...

For those of you who've known me for some time, there has probably been at one or two times where you have seen me and my fascination for... well, things that seem to be a bit odd or out of place.  For my slightly-off mind, at least, there are certain concepts and ideas that seem so random, so unique, and so completely absurd that I have to know about them or experience them, a sense of childlike glee and misunderstanding in my step.  Things like the Luther Burger, with its strange combination of hamburger and Krispy Kreme donuts, or the movie Sharknado, which is is exactly what it sounds like.  I love random shit like that.  It makes my day.  Stop judging me, jeez.  When these kind of things come around, I tend to have this reaction:

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Hump Day HaHa: Jean Claude vs. Channing Tatum

Today, we celebrate the one, the only, the extremely Belgian action star and poon hound Jean-Claude Van Damme, or JCVD as his friends (what? We're totally besties...) tend to call him.  Known for his under-appreciated acting skills in timeless classics such as Bloodsport, Streetfighter, and the voice of Master Croc in Kung Fu Panda 2, probably the biggest thing Van Damme is known for- with the exception of his way with the ladies- is doing the splits.  He does them everywhere: in houses, on boats, at the BET Awards, you name it.  It's his Pulitzer.  Or, maybe it wins hims a Pulitzer?  I don't actually know how that works, honestly, but his splits- amazing.  So, after 30 years of splitting anywhere and everywhere, he decides to pull this:

Warning: Stunt may make you a bit misty in... areas...

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Hump Day HaHa: The Tooth (Fairy)


Been a busy last week or two, what with all the school work and alleged illegal cock fights taking place the parking lot, and I'm feeling pretty drained.  Luckily for me and the five people who may read all this, posting on here in attempts to show the world my writing skills or lack there of is a soothing break, so here we are.

This week's Hump Day HaHa (something I hope to do weekly) is a scathing reveal of the truth behind the tooth fairy and her savvy business ventures as she rids the world of tiny bits of calcium for the sake of a child's financial gain.  Written and starring Matt Deanie and Josh Sharp, it gave me a bit of a chuckle, which probably means you'll hate it.  Regardless, enjoy, and happy Wednesday, you sexy beast.

(YouTube is being a bitch, so here's a link.  Hate me later for it.)
The Truth about the Tooth (Fairy)

Friday, November 8, 2013

Prepare to be Mesmerized

Watch the guy in the background.  You know, the one getting his beard stroked:

I can't turn away...


DON'T CLICK THAT VIDEO JUST YET!!  Hold up just for one.  Damn.  Second.  That video, in case you haven't figured it out, is the drug-induced furry orgy that comes with Ylvis' "What Does the Fox Say?" international hit.  If you've heard the song before, and I'm sure most of you have, you know it's catchy flow and weird lyrics will stay in your head until the blood comes rushing from your nose.  Hell, I'm hearing them right now, and all I can't think of his stabbing air holes in my skull until the noise escapes.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Commercials are Assholes: Part 1

If you know me, you know I talk.  A lot.  Like, probably too much.  Rambling on and on about nothing, filling up useful time with a waste of breath and words constantly going and going and going...

Wait, what was I saying?  Oh, right.  Anyway, if you don't know me, I tend to talk.  A lot.  And one of the biggest things always on my mind and in my mouth (shame on you, dirty minds) is how weird advertising and commercials are getting these days.  Sure, some of them are quite funny and weird in their own ways, but others just have the strangest, most derivative messages that really do more harm than good.  I just don't get it.  Don't believe me?  Well put down that sudoku puzzle, shut up, and pay attention to this Geico "When Pigs Fly" commercial:

Okay, I'm not even going to get into the whole anthropomorphic pig thing that Geico is doing here (I'm sure much better sites have analyzed that extensively).  What really bothers me most is the way the characters treat each other within the small 30 seconds of air this horrible ad has.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Classic Halloween Crap: The Raven

Not what I meant, but I'm okay with it.

Ah, Halloween time.  Scary shit and that one day of the year that you can be someone else and everyone won't find you completely crazy.  Gotta love it, with all the ghouls and zombies and lovely lady costumes, not to mention all the candy and partying and lovely lady costumes.  And don't forget the lovely lady costumes- those are great, too.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Hump Day Haha

Welp, it's Wednesday.  Middle of the work week, when Friday doesn't can't seem to get here sooner so we can wish Sunday didn't come even quicker just so we can face another Monday.  Fun, right?

If you Hump Day has grabbed you by the neck and started poking at that little chubby spot on the lower part of your stomach, then I'm here to bring you (hopefully) the funny, in attempts to make it at least 1/93 better.  Today I bring you The Card Crusher, a little gem from our neighbors across the Pacific featuring a man who knows exactly what Wednesdays are all about.  Enjoy.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Welcome... I think? Probably

Hello, and welcome to The Suave Idiot, your guide to...well, hmmm, that's a good question, actually.  Honestly, I'm not quite sure yet.  I honestly just wanted to write some more here and there, but have never had just one thing to talk about.  Can't say I've figured out what I'm going to blog about here, but I will tell you this: it's all in the name of humor.

The world needs to laugh more.  Everyday, we all spend so much time being so serious with life as we have to, going to our jobs and doing our paperworks and taxes or whatever, sometimes, we forget to chuckle a bit.  I know I do, at least.  So here I go trying to get a smile, a smirk, even a small "what an idiot" as you grin at something ridiculous.

As far as I see it, I have way too many interests into way too many random things, so a lot of this may be trial and error until I find something to focus on.  I've had some fun ideas here and there, so we will see what works and what doesn't.  Until then, if you're reading this, I want to thank you for stopping by and taking a moment to join me on my strange writing adventure.  Now go read a beer, or drink a book, or something.