Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Adventures with Andres: The Soda of Shaq (Part 1?)

Let the good times roll...

For those of you who've known me for some time, there has probably been at one or two times where you have seen me and my fascination for... well, things that seem to be a bit odd or out of place.  For my slightly-off mind, at least, there are certain concepts and ideas that seem so random, so unique, and so completely absurd that I have to know about them or experience them, a sense of childlike glee and misunderstanding in my step.  Things like the Luther Burger, with its strange combination of hamburger and Krispy Kreme donuts, or the movie Sharknado, which is is exactly what it sounds like.  I love random shit like that.  It makes my day.  Stop judging me, jeez.  When these kind of things come around, I tend to have this reaction:

So it blew me away, one night, as I casually sat around around with roommate Paul when he mentions, quite possibly, one of the greatest combinations of two words ever: Shaq Soda.  Shaq, as in Shaquille O'Neal, former rapper and star of classic movies such as Kazaam or Steel (I guess he played basketball, or something).  And Soda.  As in soda.  Shaq Soda.  SHAQ HAS A FUCKIN' SODA!!

The utterance of those words, possibly in combination with how dizzy I was from spinning in a chair for 12 minutes, suddenly changed my world.  This was a thing?  Why the fuck didn't I know about it?  Who's responsible for telling me these kind of things?  Is it because I've been hidden away in the Midwest that no one opened my eyes?  How does this work?  And that's when Paul, Keeper of the WTF, opened the website to Shaq Soda (!!!) for me and I saw this:

Expectations: CRUSHED

Wait. Wait wait wait WAIT A SECOND.  It's not called Shaq Soda.  No, my dear friends and beautiful readers, by Great Odin's Beard, it is clearly named Soda Shaq.  The Soda... comes first.  Suddenly, my mind raced with a thousand more questions after the first thousand had already filled it (so that hurt a bit). WHY IS THE NAME LIKE THAT?!?!  Does that mean each individual soda is actually a Shaq?  Do I walk into a store and say "Five Shaqs, please!" as I wink and toss a quarter on the counter? I must experience this for myself.  Slamming his laptop shut and possibly choking him like an Indian Jones fight scene (I'm not sure, honestly- I black out from all the pure joy and wonder), I demanded from my roommate to know where they hide the Shaqs.  And that is when Paul, that handsome son of a bitch, gave me the secret coordinates necessary to find this Treasure of Eden:

OF COURSE! A 7 Eleven! The Last place anyone would expect to look or even go inside of.  Clever girl.  Upon arriving, I found my first clue:

I like to think his face is actually like that on the bottom of his shoes...

Wait, does this mean the Big man, Shaq Diesel himself came here? Are these his ancient footprints left behind for me, the archaeologist of sodas, for me to find and demand they are PUT IN A MUSEUM?  I apologize for all the caps, folks. I'm just so giddy.  Finally, success:


Oh glory be, look at the colors! The faces! Tiny Shaq body shots on the sides! Everything I could hope for and more.  I grabbed two and threw my money at the cash register, sprinting as fast as I could to my car to delight in my finds at home.  Sure, it was 2 in the morning and I needed to be up early tomorrow, but FUCK YOU, real life.  Shaq Soda is a thing.  Upon looking at my Shaqs, I noticed that each container contains about 3 servings, and each serving has 24 grams a sugar.  Using my handmade abacus,  I calculated that to be... *checks math twice again*... 72 grams of sugar.  SO HEALTHY! Victory is mine:

Apparently, Soda Shaq also makes you grow a ridiculous beard.

The final taste analysis: watery, lacking taste, strangely poignant, and AWESOME.  My body shivered in delight (delight?) as the sugar rush took me, making everything seem so bright and full of joy.  Well done, Mr. O'Neal, well done.  Another day, another strange adventure for something completely irrelevant or worth while.  But wait, what's this?...



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