Die Hard, bitches. It's the adult Home Alone. Go watch that shiz.
Happy holidays, you sexy, possibly mid-day drunk readers! I know, I know, this entry starts with a whole bunch of Christmas, including Die Hard (seriously, go watch it now), but I gotta acknowledge the multitude of celebrations and happiness going on everywhere and anywhere this time of year. That and someone told me recently that not everyone believes in the fat, bearded guy in the red suit who flies all over the world delivering gifts while rocking a sweet keytar. I had no clue! Did you? Wait, why didn't you tell me? Well, fuck you too then.
Where was I? Oh right, Christmas. So this week's hump day is special because it falls on Christmas! So, while you enjoy waking up at 6 a.m. while the kids in the house freak the fuck out over their new Colecovisions (DATED REFERENCE, BITCH) or whatever and mom just looks on pissed that Darren suddenly doesn't like the pea coat he just unwrapped when he begged for it two months ago, I bring you gifs and Youtube videos, because I care. That, and I don't have any money... so suck it. First off, we have Jon Lajoie, aka Taco from The League (it's on Netflix, so put that on your list too, fool), with a special Christmas song just for you... and, well, you know, anyone who watches it, I guess:
Well said comma mark Taco. Well said. Next up is a classic song sung by a crazy biracial woman and acted out by a bearded man in a Santa skirt and blond wig on Chatroulette with random strangers. And no, I can't believe I just typed that sentence either, but damn it was fun. From Steve Kardynal (who apparently does shit like this a lot and has OVER 3,000,000 FUCKING SUBSCRIBERS HOLY FUCK) comes Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas is You:"
Can't tell if I'm now gay or blind because of that. Oh well. Finally, for all my Kwanzaa fans comes "Happy Kwanzaa Charlie Brown," a tale of one young, Caucasian man and his quest to get his unemployment check and his brown snake wet. WARNING: highly offensive and full of jive. Don't know what jive is? Shame on you, cracker:
And there you have it, folks. If you found yourself online today on this amazing day (or this Wednesday, if it pleases you), then I hope this brought a smile to your Eggnog-covered face. So Merry Christmas exclamation point. Regardless of how or what you do, I hope everyone has an amazing holiday season, and don't leave grandma outside for too long- she gets cold after a few minutes. Now everybody get down to the merry beat!
Oh, and Happy Endings. Watch that one, too.