Tuesday, December 31, 2013

"F*cktards:" My Favorite Movie Trailers of 2013

                                                                                                                                                   via FreeDigitalPhotos
Oh, uh, not what I meant, guys...

So, my sexy, slightly hair readers, it is time I confess that I have a bit of a problem, possibly a sickness: I watch too many movies.  Like, too many too many.  Yeah, that many.  It's a problem.  For some unexplained reason or another, my brain was built to desire and store as many films and references from said films as possible.  Most people strive to learn important skills or knowledge, like financial mathematics or how to con old ladies out prices rubies.  Me? I can quote 40 Year-Old Virgin from beginning to end.  I can even tell you the old Indian guy's real name.  It's sad, I know.

All that said, I actually didn't see a ton of movies this year.  Between my hernias, moving across the country, and a disturbing Faberge egg addiction, I haven't found myself staring at a giant screen while wondering if the stickiness on the floor was a homeless person's semen or a non-homeless person's semen very much.  Makes me sad, honestly.  I did, however, find some time to watch a shit ton of trailers.  Edited with quick action shots and carefully chosen music to pull you in, movie trailers are essentially commercials for their full version counterparts.  Which... well, which would explain why they are in commercials on television.  Nailed it (I'm such a good writer).  So, as the year winds down, and we say goodbye to 2013, I figured I'd share my favorites, in no particular order.  No, I don't want to rank them.  Don't tell me how to blog.

Man of Steel

So this trailer actually came out last year, but I didn't see it until sometime in January, so suck it.  Either way, this trailer has all the essentials necessary to sell you on a movie as dramatic and epic as this was; a moving score, some major action sequences mixed in with beautiful landscape shots, and Michael Shannon (who also plays the awesome Agent Van Alden in Boardwalk Empire) looking sadistic as fuck.  It's got everything you need to get excited and wish you looked that good in leather pajamas.

Anchorman 2 

I spent most of my undergraduate career, in between heavy drinking and failing to understand most of my instructors' accents, quoting the first Anchorman until everyone hated me.  Upon first sight on this trailer, it was confirmed that I would probably be doing the same once again, just with more wrinkles and shame on my face.  The boys are back, everyone, and they're hear to read the damn news.

47 Ronin

I've got a few friends who were quite obsessed with that weird rom-com series of movies about the two short guys who were in love, also known as Lord of The Rings (seriously, just kiss already, Sam and Frodo).  It seems like Gandalf and crew have basically laid the groundwork for the fantasy genre, as movies about white folks with broad swords continue to pop up constantly.  So this trailer felt like a breath of fresh air, delving into Japanese themes and mythologies in a beautiful presentation... with a white guy still dominating the screen.  But hey, at least it was a katana this time.

Wolf of Wall Street

I still haven't seen this movie, but after watching the trailer I gotta say it looks fun as fuck.  How could it not?  All the money and women, cars, and midgets anyone ask for.  Plus: Leo DiCaprio popping and/or locking.

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Never forget, children.  Never forget.

The To Do List

Oh, Aubrey Plaza, how you make me smile.  Between your awkward interviews and the way you look hot while scowling, you make my heart flutter in a weird, almost spastic way.  Also: 1993, Donald Glover calling people "fucktards," and Bill Hader introducing himself to a guy whilst boning said guy's daughter.  Awesome sauce.

Hercules: The Legend Begins

Something you need to know: I think I may love bad trailers just as much as I love good trailers.  And holy fuck-on-a-stick is this trailer, though it may not be its own fault.  This movie looks awful on an ungodly level, and this trailer does what it can with what it's got.  Everything about it is horrible, as it looks like a mish mash of multiple movies that were all created specifically to make me laugh. I couldn't stop giggling after "He Followed His Heart" flashed across the screen.

Interstellar (Teaser)

This one isn't even a trailer; it's a teaser, which is actually a trailer for a trailer, when you think about it.  Holy shit, that seems even dumber when you write it like that.  Regardless, it's awesome, and goes to show how simplicity can sometimes be your greatest feature.

22 Jump Street

Again, get excited, Powers.  This Red Band trailer for the follow-up to the excellent 21 Jump Street shows that the sequel is most likely more of the same, but, in this case at least, is not necessarily a bad thing.  More drugs, cursing, Nick Offerman looking annoyed, and busts than you could really ask for.  Also, Rob Riggle has a vagina now, so that's fun.

The Raid 2: Berandal

The Raid: Redemption is fucking awesome.  Seriously, it's just, like, seriously, the shit.  I'm getting a violence stiffy just reminiscing.  The Raid 2: Berandal looks to keep my odd arousal going, thanks to this wonderful, well-paced trailer that shuts off the sounds and shows you the fists.  Well played, trailer.  Well played.

Kung Fury

Finally, we come to an odd one: a trailer for a movie that is not (yet, at least) a real movie.  But fuck it, it still counts, and by the ghost of Bea Arthur this shit looks great.  I've watched it a least a thousand times, and I'll probably watch it a thousand fucking more.  Vikings with Uzis.  80s colors and lighting.  Hitler.  Well, actually, fuck Hitler.  But also sidekicks.  And dino riding.  Hell yeah.

So that's it, kids, those were my favs.  Did you have any favorite trailers that stood out to you?  Or did you happen to see any of these movies?  Were they any good?  Got any gum? Mind giving me a piece?  Let me know in the comments below or wherever.  Also, I want to take the time to go ahead and thank anyone an everyone who's been reading these as I've started trying to figure them out.  I'm hoping to do a bit more with all this next year and some other projects as well.  Merry New Year to you all, and here's to being an idiot.  Cheers, bitch.

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