Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Grantland's Rap Man Grand Stand... I Ran Out of Rhyming Words FIGHT!

-This post is dedicated to the memory of my dear friend, Paul Valencia.  Rest in pe... oh right, Paul's not dead.  He's not even sick.  He just suggested this to me.  The hell was I thinking about?

Best guy ever? It's possible.

For those of you not in the know, Grantland is an awesome website dedicated to bringing you the latest and greatest news and features on sports, movies, music, feminism, etc.  It's home to a plethora of writers who put me to shame, with noteworthy contributors such as sports ace Bill Simmons, the only man badass enough to dress like a 12-year-old on ESPN amongst thousand-dollar suits and still be so highly respected.  He's awesome, and you should read his work or go listen to his podcast.  Seriously, go do that shit.  Don't test me.

Today, though, I bring up issue with a one Shea Serrano, a funny guy who wrote an article back in May called The ‘If I Fought This Rapper, Would I Win?’ Chart, a charted view and analysis of your chances when taking it to fisticuffs with some of hip hop's biggest names (and Tyga- HA!).  It's a good read, and definitely worth your time if you really want to know about what brand of car Busta Rhymes most likely lifts in his off time (think Jeff Bridges, kids), but I think I have a few issues with the list overall.  And by issues, I really just mean separate observations and opinions disguised as an excuse to take some one's idea and write my own thoughts about it.  So here I am, more than two months after the fact, to weigh in on the subject when no one really asked me to.  Because I'm timely and self-important like that.

Don't Underestimate Rick Ross after Kriss Kross(fit)

So yeah, this came after the fact and all, but still, it's something to think about.  Rick Ross decided you had enough of not fitting into his Aston Martin and dropped 100 pounds, working his ass off (literally... I think?) using a Crossfit regimen that I'm sure will have tons of people back and forth arguing about how bad/good Crossfit is for you.  Does that translate to a superior set of fighting skills?  Not at all, because it does create a stronger sense of scrappiness, something to always factor in with formerly-fatter people.

Shea Clearly Avoided Readily-Available Stats

Mr. Serrano is a good writer, one I enjoy immensely.  I do, however, need to question his methods of obtaining the information he used to make said analysis seems a little... lacking.  I mean, when you really explore the information super highway, you can learn just about anything you need to put together a solid article.  So all he really, really needed to do in order to give this article a bit more footing was to watch and critique footage from EA's masterpiece Def Jam Fight For NY.

Clearly, this game set out back in 2004 to clue in the world as to just how badass rappers are, just as their lyrics about ladies of the bitch type and Escalades had thus so inclined.  If he really wanted to know just what Regular Snoop Dogg was truly capable of, he only had to spend three minutes Youtubing a video game I played a few times back in the day, just like I did.


And let's not forget the sequel, Def Jam: Icon, which lead to bringing even more rappers into the fray, and. for the first time in recorded history, displaying a wordsmith's ability to punch harder when fighting to "magical beat" that must play when they perform their daily tasks or raising a column of fire from nowhere during a "bass hit," as the kids call it.

Speaking of bringing more fighters into the fray...


Killer Beez on the track... or not, in this case.  Come on, guy, how can you leave out the group who talks about nearly nothing but fighting within their 36 Chambers?  Spending developing their Tiger Style?  Who have told people constantly they "ain't nothing to fuck wit?"  The RZA? Method Man?  I Feel like Ghostface would clearly stomp me out in a heartbeat, before I'd even get a chance to even question his gigantic, golden eagle bracelet and its origins.  I'm just looking for them to be on that chart even on a solo basis, holding their own.

Also, they're older nowadays, but that just gives their abilities a little more mystery and a possibility of "grand mastery," as I'm going to write, well-aware of the air quotes I just made with my hands.

Also also, they had their own video game as well, one of the bloodiest of all time.

Video games are mirror images of real life, right?  Based on fact and proof, right?  RIGHT?!

Seriously, Though, Don't Fuck With DMX

Just don't.  Serrano was right all along.

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