The Fake is Real: Kung Fury Lives

Safest way to drive, probably.  Maybe.

A while back (a while, while, back... damn I suck at writing things on a normal basis), I decided to put together a list of some of my favorite trailers from 2013 in anticipation of hating all the films that they were advertising.  Thanks, cynicism!  The whole list represented the best of the best at building hype for their counterparts for my viewing interests, something that tends to be all over the place.

And Now, A Letter: To the Asshat Who Stole my Side View Mirror...

My Dearest Asshat,

Hey, how are you?  Hope your days are sunny and full of puppies or whatever the hell.  My name is Andres, an adventurous and compassionate dummy that owned the Jeep whose rear view mirror you stole the other night.  It was quite strange, I must say, coming to my car and noticing that something was awry with my truck (or SUV, if it pleases you).  My head was high, belly full of Korean BBQ, and I was looking forward to staring at pictures of cats and watching Jingle All The Way for the 37th time when I stopped in my tracks, seeing the mount twisted around and the wires hanging low.  As any normal person would, I immediately inspected the surrounding street area, thinking that someone had simply clipped the poor vehicle.  I began searching for the pieces that I assumed had broken off, coming to the conclusion that there were none.  Upon a closer analysis, I realized the the mount and inner pieces of the mount itself were still intact, the wires gently pulled out with care and the casing that protected it were still in their rightful places.  Just the mirror was gone.  Wow.

Grantland's Rap Man Grand Stand... I Ran Out of Rhyming Words FIGHT!

-This post is dedicated to the memory of my dear friend, Paul Valencia.  Rest in pe... oh right, Paul's not dead.  He's not even sick.  He just suggested this to me.  The hell was I thinking about?

Best guy ever? It's possible.

For those of you not in the know, Grantland is an awesome website dedicated to bringing you the latest and greatest news and features on sports, movies, music, feminism, etc.  It's home to a plethora of writers who put me to shame, with noteworthy contributors such as sports ace Bill Simmons, the only man badass enough to dress like a 12-year-old on ESPN amongst thousand-dollar suits and still be so highly respected.  He's awesome, and you should read his work or go listen to his podcast.  Seriously, go do that shit.  Don't test me.

The Madness of March Madness

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This picture was literally titled "Young Caucasian Boy While Playing Basket Ball."  It made me giggle.

Ah, March.  What a month, eh?  It's that time of the year where the snow melts before it drops again, and everyone finds an excuse to drink until they can't feel their toes while wearing a ridiculous amount of green, plastic shamrock beads ("Today, I'm Irish!"- 90% of America).  March is also one of the biggest sports months of the year, with the NHL and the NBA lighting up the screens of rancid-smelling sports bars and baseball players warming up their arms and bats they prepare for a new season.  It's all pretty wonderful if you enjoy sweaty muscles and balls... uh, wait, that didn't come out the way I intended.

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There.  Back on track.

That Time I Stopped Writing Shitty Jokes For A While

Hey everyone, how y'all (all three of you, I'm guessing) doing?  Been a while since we've met here, on this random Blogger page and I made some snarky comment about shitty commercials or used my lack of eloquence to marvel at a soft drink featuring an American Treasure.  I know, I know, I'm sure you were probably worried, calling the Internet Police to make sure one of their super sleuths headed on over to make sure I was still alive and writin', or whatever.  Thanks for that, means a lot to me.

"F*cktards:" My Favorite Movie Trailers of 2013

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Oh, uh, not what I meant, guys...

So, my sexy, slightly hair readers, it is time I confess that I have a bit of a problem, possibly a sickness: I watch too many movies.  Like, too many too many.  Yeah, that many.  It's a problem.  For some unexplained reason or another, my brain was built to desire and store as many films and references from said films as possible.  Most people strive to learn important skills or knowledge, like financial mathematics or how to con old ladies out prices rubies.  Me? I can quote 40 Year-Old Virgin from beginning to end.  I can even tell you the old Indian guy's real name.  It's sad, I know.

All that said, I actually didn't see a ton of movies this year.  Between my hernias, moving across the country, and a disturbing Faberge egg addiction, I haven't found myself staring at a giant screen while wondering if the stickiness on the floor was a homeless person's semen or a non-homeless person's semen very much.  Makes me sad, honestly.  I did, however, find some time to watch a shit ton of trailers.  Edited with quick action shots and carefully chosen music to pull you in, movie trailers are essentially commercials for their full version counterparts.  Which... well, which would explain why they are in commercials on television.  Nailed it (I'm such a good writer).  So, as the year winds down, and we say goodbye to 2013, I figured I'd share my favorites, in no particular order.  No, I don't want to rank them.  Don't tell me how to blog.

Hump Day HaHa: Suck My (Christmas) Gif(t) (More Parentheses)

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Die Hard, bitches.  It's the adult Home Alone.  Go watch that shiz.

Happy holidays, you sexy, possibly mid-day drunk readers!  I know, I know, this entry starts with a whole bunch of Christmas, including Die Hard (seriously, go watch it now), but I gotta acknowledge the multitude of celebrations and happiness going on everywhere and anywhere this time of year.  That and someone told me recently that not everyone believes in the fat, bearded guy in the red suit who flies all over the world delivering gifts while rocking a sweet keytar.  I had no clue! Did you?  Wait, why didn't you tell me?  Well, fuck you too then.