Review(?): Did I Blackout and Make Kung Fury?

                                                  via motionographer

If you've ever taken some time away from doing real things and perused through any posts I've put on here, then I have three things to say; 1. Thank you, it means a lot to me that anyone would do that; 2.  No, I don't understand half of my jokes either.  3.  You've probably noticed that I've written multiple times about Kung Fury, the Swedish 80s acid trip shot in front of a green screen that I didn't think was real, but then it was, making me wrong and feeling stupid.  For me, watching the trailer was a part of my daily routine for months, right up there with breathing and licking unknown objects.  Well, the film finally came out, free of charge, on Youtube.  In fact, it has been out for a while now.  Guess I'm a little late to the party.  If you are too, go watch it here.

                                                       via Behance

The film follows super cop and bicep-owner Kung Fury.  Yes, his name is actually Kung Fury.  Does that bother you or something?  We can't all have more normal names like Tad, or Gustav, or whatever.  Anyway, Kung goes about 1980s Miami, fighting sentient arcade machines and getting into trouble with his police chief, until Hitler shows up after traveling through time to cause chaos.  Now, Kung Fury must travel back in time to face off against Adolf and his Nazi army in order to change his present.  Oh, he also has a partner who is a Triceratops.  Yup.

                                                                  via Youtube


Despite being just over 30 minutes long, there's plenty of insanity packed into each scene, from mythological gods to a surprise cameo that makes way too much sense.  It's completely nuts.  I want to say more, but, honestly, it feels like it needs to be seen for yourself.  It's all shot in a grainy film style, too, capturing a great feel of 80s action films that would make Ahhnold and friends proud.  The addition of "VHS effects," such as tape scrambling and tracking issues, make it all the better.

Everything about this movie is fun, which is most likely the problem for me as someone who wants to write about it.  If I were a professional critic or writer (which my mommy totally says I am), I think I would be far too biased in reviewing Kung Fury.  Every element seems too perfect to my tastes; the overall project feels like something I would do if I had the resources and ability to make a feature.  In fact, I've started wondering... did I make this film?  Did I black out at some point in my days and unknowingly go to Sweden, change my name, and start a Kickstarter?  Maybe I had my first Tyler Durden moment, and, instead of bitching about IKEA and their Lego furniture, I went and prayed at its $1 Meatball alter.  Or maybe, just maybe, there is another me out there.  From another universe.  Where Hitler knows kung fu.  And this is his warning...

                                                                   via Youtube

Kung Fury is short and fun.  More importantly, though, it almost immediately lets you know what it is and never pretends to be anything else, giving you that quick chance to walk away if it's not your glass of whiskey.  Check it out here.  And, Swedish Me, if you're reading this: I hear you loud and clear.  Looking for a Commodore 64 as we speak.  Also: you are very handsome.

Final Review: Lazer Raptor/6

SHUT UP AND GO WATCH THIS: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

                                Netflix, via UPI

Keeping yourself sane is pretty insane, when you think about it.  We've all got shit to do, clearly; going to work, picking up the kids from tap lessons, cleaning your shotgun, blowing up that rival meth lab- the modern person tends to have a lot on their plate.  It can wear on anyone, honestly.  The beauty of the world we live in, however, is that there's always some way or another to distract you from all the "important" things and allow you to instead do the important things.  You could go watch TV, or watch a movie, or watch TV or a movie on a computer or a tablet or a smartphone or whatever.  Lots of options, you see.

The Fake is Real: Kung Fury Lives

Safest way to drive, probably.  Maybe.

A while back (a while, while, back... damn I suck at writing things on a normal basis), I decided to put together a list of some of my favorite trailers from 2013 in anticipation of hating all the films that they were advertising.  Thanks, cynicism!  The whole list represented the best of the best at building hype for their counterparts for my viewing interests, something that tends to be all over the place.

And Now, A Letter: To the Asshat Who Stole my Side View Mirror...

My Dearest Asshat,

Hey, how are you?  Hope your days are sunny and full of puppies or whatever the hell.  My name is Andres, an adventurous and compassionate dummy that owned the Jeep whose rear view mirror you stole the other night.  It was quite strange, I must say, coming to my car and noticing that something was awry with my truck (or SUV, if it pleases you).  My head was high, belly full of Korean BBQ, and I was looking forward to staring at pictures of cats and watching Jingle All The Way for the 37th time when I stopped in my tracks, seeing the mount twisted around and the wires hanging low.  As any normal person would, I immediately inspected the surrounding street area, thinking that someone had simply clipped the poor vehicle.  I began searching for the pieces that I assumed had broken off, coming to the conclusion that there were none.  Upon a closer analysis, I realized the the mount and inner pieces of the mount itself were still intact, the wires gently pulled out with care and the casing that protected it were still in their rightful places.  Just the mirror was gone.  Wow.

Grantland's Rap Man Grand Stand... I Ran Out of Rhyming Words FIGHT!

-This post is dedicated to the memory of my dear friend, Paul Valencia.  Rest in pe... oh right, Paul's not dead.  He's not even sick.  He just suggested this to me.  The hell was I thinking about?

Best guy ever? It's possible.

For those of you not in the know, Grantland is an awesome website dedicated to bringing you the latest and greatest news and features on sports, movies, music, feminism, etc.  It's home to a plethora of writers who put me to shame, with noteworthy contributors such as sports ace Bill Simmons, the only man badass enough to dress like a 12-year-old on ESPN amongst thousand-dollar suits and still be so highly respected.  He's awesome, and you should read his work or go listen to his podcast.  Seriously, go do that shit.  Don't test me.

The Madness of March Madness

                                                                                                                      Free Digital Photos

This picture was literally titled "Young Caucasian Boy While Playing Basket Ball."  It made me giggle.

Ah, March.  What a month, eh?  It's that time of the year where the snow melts before it drops again, and everyone finds an excuse to drink until they can't feel their toes while wearing a ridiculous amount of green, plastic shamrock beads ("Today, I'm Irish!"- 90% of America).  March is also one of the biggest sports months of the year, with the NHL and the NBA lighting up the screens of rancid-smelling sports bars and baseball players warming up their arms and bats they prepare for a new season.  It's all pretty wonderful if you enjoy sweaty muscles and balls... uh, wait, that didn't come out the way I intended.

                                                                                                                              The Meta Picture

There.  Back on track.

That Time I Stopped Writing Shitty Jokes For A While

Hey everyone, how y'all (all three of you, I'm guessing) doing?  Been a while since we've met here, on this random Blogger page and I made some snarky comment about shitty commercials or used my lack of eloquence to marvel at a soft drink featuring an American Treasure.  I know, I know, I'm sure you were probably worried, calling the Internet Police to make sure one of their super sleuths headed on over to make sure I was still alive and writin', or whatever.  Thanks for that, means a lot to me.

"F*cktards:" My Favorite Movie Trailers of 2013

                                                                                                                                                   via FreeDigitalPhotos

Oh, uh, not what I meant, guys...

So, my sexy, slightly hair readers, it is time I confess that I have a bit of a problem, possibly a sickness: I watch too many movies.  Like, too many too many.  Yeah, that many.  It's a problem.  For some unexplained reason or another, my brain was built to desire and store as many films and references from said films as possible.  Most people strive to learn important skills or knowledge, like financial mathematics or how to con old ladies out prices rubies.  Me? I can quote 40 Year-Old Virgin from beginning to end.  I can even tell you the old Indian guy's real name.  It's sad, I know.

All that said, I actually didn't see a ton of movies this year.  Between my hernias, moving across the country, and a disturbing Faberge egg addiction, I haven't found myself staring at a giant screen while wondering if the stickiness on the floor was a homeless person's semen or a non-homeless person's semen very much.  Makes me sad, honestly.  I did, however, find some time to watch a shit ton of trailers.  Edited with quick action shots and carefully chosen music to pull you in, movie trailers are essentially commercials for their full version counterparts.  Which... well, which would explain why they are in commercials on television.  Nailed it (I'm such a good writer).  So, as the year winds down, and we say goodbye to 2013, I figured I'd share my favorites, in no particular order.  No, I don't want to rank them.  Don't tell me how to blog.

Hump Day HaHa: Suck My (Christmas) Gif(t) (More Parentheses)

                                                                                                              Via Brain Dead Radio

Die Hard, bitches.  It's the adult Home Alone.  Go watch that shiz.

Happy holidays, you sexy, possibly mid-day drunk readers!  I know, I know, this entry starts with a whole bunch of Christmas, including Die Hard (seriously, go watch it now), but I gotta acknowledge the multitude of celebrations and happiness going on everywhere and anywhere this time of year.  That and someone told me recently that not everyone believes in the fat, bearded guy in the red suit who flies all over the world delivering gifts while rocking a sweet keytar.  I had no clue! Did you?  Wait, why didn't you tell me?  Well, fuck you too then.

Deep Thoughts While Dying of Too Much Korean BBQ

Inspiration is such a weird thing.  It can be everywhere and nowhere all at once.  It's this thing that hits us all in our strange, random moments, and can bring some individuals to sick levels of greatness.  And sometimes, that inspiration comes in extreme ways.  

History is filled with artists, writers, and musicians with "habits" that inspired their work.  Salvador Dali had his hashish, Ben Franklin had his opium, and Orson Welles had frozen peas, I think.  These were the keys that, for these wondrous and unique individuals, opened the gates of inspiration; they allowed them to open their minds, dropping the inhibitions that shorten the gaze of inspirations, and probably gave them an excuse to wave glow sticks and bunny hop at sweet rave parties.  And now I, Andres Domenech, powerful and influential amateur internet blogger (Now with over five readers, probably!), believe that I have found the key to my wordsmithing and amazing creativity: overeating at an all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ restaurant.

Hump Day HaHa: The One Where is Andres is Super Stressed LOLWTF

                                                                                                     FreeDigitalPhotos

Guy is fucking blown away by that pen, I'm guessing

Hey folks, how we doing?  Well that's good to hear.  I was wondering when that rash would start clearing up.  Good for you.  Anyway, here it is, another lovely Wednesday, another middle of the week where everyone is stressed and wondering what the fuck is going to happen next.  Fun, right?

This week is particularly stressful for yours truly, having to deal with some major exams and prep for the next couple of weeks.  Also, my blog has ads now.  You know you want to buy that Chromecast thing or a sexy new credit card thingy.  So fun!!! :-( Anyway, I'm taking a moment out of busy schedule to try and bring a smile to your sexy, asymmetric faces because that makes me smile.  So, if someone shit in your Cheerios this morning, I hope they ate a lot of fiber first, and I'm help to try and brighten your day.

Weird Ass Distractions: Candybox2

Happy End of the Year, you beautiful, beautiful readers!  All five of you, thanks for stopping in and make weird faces reading my bull here.  Seriously, it means a lot to me to have someone reading all of this, especially during the final days of 2013, with final exams, deadlines, and that last bit of Meth to cook (I miss you, Heisenberg), everyone has got shit to do.  This time of year is always quite stressful, rough, and drives some people to point of insanity.  And I'm definitely no different; between school and all of my naked polka dancing lessons, I definitely have things I should be doing.   Should.  Keyword there.  The problem is, I don't want.  Or rather: I don't wannnnnaaaaaaa.  You can't make me.  It's always moments like this when I like to lace up my boots, stand tall, and find anything else in the world to distract me from my responsibilities.  Because America.

Hump Day Haha: 3 for 1 Black Friday (On a Wednesday) Blowout

                                                                                                                                               FreeDigitalPhotos


For this week's giggle, while you're busy working (or twerking) hard at your place of work and/or druge deal, I figured I'd give you not one, not two, not four, but three, THREE funny videos for the price of not-a-damn thing.  I know, I'm a hero to you and your unborn, sickly-looking future children.  Make him play a sport or at least feed him.  He looks awful.  Man, you're a bad parent.

The Taming of the Beard: A Letter to Beardnard

Whelp, November is over, which means the whole "No Shave" movement is, as well.  For those of you unaware of this strange ritual, No Shave November (also known as Noshember or Movember, which sounds like shit I would make up) essentially involves being super lazy, and just not shaving.  It's supposed to raise awareness of men's health issues, such as prostate cancer, and that's great.  There's all kinds of rules that you can follow, found here if you want to read them (my laziness told me not to, though).  I participated this year, though, I have to admit, it kinda felt like all those times I saw people "liking" some kind of cause on Facebook; it really didn't seem to do a damn, so eventually it just became an experiment in "How Mangled Can I Make my Face Look?"  Needless to say, after 31 straight days, it was a success:

Ladies...

Adventures with Andres: The Soda of Shaq (Part 1?)

Let the good times roll...

For those of you who've known me for some time, there has probably been at one or two times where you have seen me and my fascination for... well, things that seem to be a bit odd or out of place.  For my slightly-off mind, at least, there are certain concepts and ideas that seem so random, so unique, and so completely absurd that I have to know about them or experience them, a sense of childlike glee and misunderstanding in my step.  Things like the Luther Burger, with its strange combination of hamburger and Krispy Kreme donuts, or the movie Sharknado, which is is exactly what it sounds like.  I love random shit like that.  It makes my day.  Stop judging me, jeez.  When these kind of things come around, I tend to have this reaction:

Hump Day HaHa: Jean Claude vs. Channing Tatum

Today, we celebrate the one, the only, the extremely Belgian action star and poon hound Jean-Claude Van Damme, or JCVD as his friends (what? We're totally besties...) tend to call him.  Known for his under-appreciated acting skills in timeless classics such as Bloodsport, Streetfighter, and the voice of Master Croc in Kung Fu Panda 2, probably the biggest thing Van Damme is known for- with the exception of his way with the ladies- is doing the splits.  He does them everywhere: in houses, on boats, at the BET Awards, you name it.  It's his Pulitzer.  Or, maybe it wins hims a Pulitzer?  I don't actually know how that works, honestly, but his splits- amazing.  So, after 30 years of splitting anywhere and everywhere, he decides to pull this:

Warning: Stunt may make you a bit misty in... areas...

Hump Day HaHa: The Tooth (Fairy)

                                                                                                            FreeDigitalPhotos

Been a busy last week or two, what with all the school work and alleged illegal cock fights taking place the parking lot, and I'm feeling pretty drained.  Luckily for me and the five people who may read all this, posting on here in attempts to show the world my writing skills or lack there of is a soothing break, so here we are.

This week's Hump Day HaHa (something I hope to do weekly) is a scathing reveal of the truth behind the tooth fairy and her savvy business ventures as she rids the world of tiny bits of calcium for the sake of a child's financial gain.  Written and starring Matt Deanie and Josh Sharp, it gave me a bit of a chuckle, which probably means you'll hate it.  Regardless, enjoy, and happy Wednesday, you sexy beast.

(YouTube is being a bitch, so here's a link.  Hate me later for it.)
The Truth about the Tooth (Fairy)

Prepare to be Mesmerized

Watch the guy in the background.  You know, the one getting his beard stroked:

I can't turn away...

Funny Music Friday: ENOUGH WITH THE DAMN FOX

DON'T CLICK THAT VIDEO JUST YET!!  Hold up just for one.  Damn.  Second.  That video, in case you haven't figured it out, is the drug-induced furry orgy that comes with Ylvis' "What Does the Fox Say?" international hit.  If you've heard the song before, and I'm sure most of you have, you know it's catchy flow and weird lyrics will stay in your head until the blood comes rushing from your nose.  Hell, I'm hearing them right now, and all I can't think of his stabbing air holes in my skull until the noise escapes.

Commercials are Assholes: Part 1

If you know me, you know I talk.  A lot.  Like, probably too much.  Rambling on and on about nothing, filling up useful time with a waste of breath and words constantly going and going and going...

Wait, what was I saying?  Oh, right.  Anyway, if you don't know me, I tend to talk.  A lot.  And one of the biggest things always on my mind and in my mouth (shame on you, dirty minds) is how weird advertising and commercials are getting these days.  Sure, some of them are quite funny and weird in their own ways, but others just have the strangest, most derivative messages that really do more harm than good.  I just don't get it.  Don't believe me?  Well put down that sudoku puzzle, shut up, and pay attention to this Geico "When Pigs Fly" commercial:

Okay, I'm not even going to get into the whole anthropomorphic pig thing that Geico is doing here (I'm sure much better sites have analyzed that extensively).  What really bothers me most is the way the characters treat each other within the small 30 seconds of air this horrible ad has.