Review(?): Did I Blackout and Make Kung Fury?

                                                  via motionographer

If you've ever taken some time away from doing real things and perused through any posts I've put on here, then I have three things to say; 1. Thank you, it means a lot to me that anyone would do that; 2.  No, I don't understand half of my jokes either.  3.  You've probably noticed that I've written multiple times about Kung Fury, the Swedish 80s acid trip shot in front of a green screen that I didn't think was real, but then it was, making me wrong and feeling stupid.  For me, watching the trailer was a part of my daily routine for months, right up there with breathing and licking unknown objects.  Well, the film finally came out, free of charge, on Youtube.  In fact, it has been out for a while now.  Guess I'm a little late to the party.  If you are too, go watch it here.

                                                       via Behance

The film follows super cop and bicep-owner Kung Fury.  Yes, his name is actually Kung Fury.  Does that bother you or something?  We can't all have more normal names like Tad, or Gustav, or whatever.  Anyway, Kung goes about 1980s Miami, fighting sentient arcade machines and getting into trouble with his police chief, until Hitler shows up after traveling through time to cause chaos.  Now, Kung Fury must travel back in time to face off against Adolf and his Nazi army in order to change his present.  Oh, he also has a partner who is a Triceratops.  Yup.

                                                                  via Youtube


Despite being just over 30 minutes long, there's plenty of insanity packed into each scene, from mythological gods to a surprise cameo that makes way too much sense.  It's completely nuts.  I want to say more, but, honestly, it feels like it needs to be seen for yourself.  It's all shot in a grainy film style, too, capturing a great feel of 80s action films that would make Ahhnold and friends proud.  The addition of "VHS effects," such as tape scrambling and tracking issues, make it all the better.

Everything about this movie is fun, which is most likely the problem for me as someone who wants to write about it.  If I were a professional critic or writer (which my mommy totally says I am), I think I would be far too biased in reviewing Kung Fury.  Every element seems too perfect to my tastes; the overall project feels like something I would do if I had the resources and ability to make a feature.  In fact, I've started wondering... did I make this film?  Did I black out at some point in my days and unknowingly go to Sweden, change my name, and start a Kickstarter?  Maybe I had my first Tyler Durden moment, and, instead of bitching about IKEA and their Lego furniture, I went and prayed at its $1 Meatball alter.  Or maybe, just maybe, there is another me out there.  From another universe.  Where Hitler knows kung fu.  And this is his warning...

                                                                   via Youtube

Kung Fury is short and fun.  More importantly, though, it almost immediately lets you know what it is and never pretends to be anything else, giving you that quick chance to walk away if it's not your glass of whiskey.  Check it out here.  And, Swedish Me, if you're reading this: I hear you loud and clear.  Looking for a Commodore 64 as we speak.  Also: you are very handsome.

Final Review: Lazer Raptor/6

SHUT UP AND GO WATCH THIS: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

                                Netflix, via UPI

Keeping yourself sane is pretty insane, when you think about it.  We've all got shit to do, clearly; going to work, picking up the kids from tap lessons, cleaning your shotgun, blowing up that rival meth lab- the modern person tends to have a lot on their plate.  It can wear on anyone, honestly.  The beauty of the world we live in, however, is that there's always some way or another to distract you from all the "important" things and allow you to instead do the important things.  You could go watch TV, or watch a movie, or watch TV or a movie on a computer or a tablet or a smartphone or whatever.  Lots of options, you see.

The Fake is Real: Kung Fury Lives

Safest way to drive, probably.  Maybe.

A while back (a while, while, back... damn I suck at writing things on a normal basis), I decided to put together a list of some of my favorite trailers from 2013 in anticipation of hating all the films that they were advertising.  Thanks, cynicism!  The whole list represented the best of the best at building hype for their counterparts for my viewing interests, something that tends to be all over the place.

And Now, A Letter: To the Asshat Who Stole my Side View Mirror...

My Dearest Asshat,

Hey, how are you?  Hope your days are sunny and full of puppies or whatever the hell.  My name is Andres, an adventurous and compassionate dummy that owned the Jeep whose rear view mirror you stole the other night.  It was quite strange, I must say, coming to my car and noticing that something was awry with my truck (or SUV, if it pleases you).  My head was high, belly full of Korean BBQ, and I was looking forward to staring at pictures of cats and watching Jingle All The Way for the 37th time when I stopped in my tracks, seeing the mount twisted around and the wires hanging low.  As any normal person would, I immediately inspected the surrounding street area, thinking that someone had simply clipped the poor vehicle.  I began searching for the pieces that I assumed had broken off, coming to the conclusion that there were none.  Upon a closer analysis, I realized the the mount and inner pieces of the mount itself were still intact, the wires gently pulled out with care and the casing that protected it were still in their rightful places.  Just the mirror was gone.  Wow.

Grantland's Rap Man Grand Stand... I Ran Out of Rhyming Words FIGHT!

-This post is dedicated to the memory of my dear friend, Paul Valencia.  Rest in pe... oh right, Paul's not dead.  He's not even sick.  He just suggested this to me.  The hell was I thinking about?

Best guy ever? It's possible.

For those of you not in the know, Grantland is an awesome website dedicated to bringing you the latest and greatest news and features on sports, movies, music, feminism, etc.  It's home to a plethora of writers who put me to shame, with noteworthy contributors such as sports ace Bill Simmons, the only man badass enough to dress like a 12-year-old on ESPN amongst thousand-dollar suits and still be so highly respected.  He's awesome, and you should read his work or go listen to his podcast.  Seriously, go do that shit.  Don't test me.

The Madness of March Madness

                                                                                                                      Free Digital Photos

This picture was literally titled "Young Caucasian Boy While Playing Basket Ball."  It made me giggle.

Ah, March.  What a month, eh?  It's that time of the year where the snow melts before it drops again, and everyone finds an excuse to drink until they can't feel their toes while wearing a ridiculous amount of green, plastic shamrock beads ("Today, I'm Irish!"- 90% of America).  March is also one of the biggest sports months of the year, with the NHL and the NBA lighting up the screens of rancid-smelling sports bars and baseball players warming up their arms and bats they prepare for a new season.  It's all pretty wonderful if you enjoy sweaty muscles and balls... uh, wait, that didn't come out the way I intended.

                                                                                                                              The Meta Picture

There.  Back on track.

That Time I Stopped Writing Shitty Jokes For A While

Hey everyone, how y'all (all three of you, I'm guessing) doing?  Been a while since we've met here, on this random Blogger page and I made some snarky comment about shitty commercials or used my lack of eloquence to marvel at a soft drink featuring an American Treasure.  I know, I know, I'm sure you were probably worried, calling the Internet Police to make sure one of their super sleuths headed on over to make sure I was still alive and writin', or whatever.  Thanks for that, means a lot to me.